I'll show you politics in America. Here it is, right here. 'I think the puppet on the right shares my beliefs.' 'I think the puppet on the left is more to my liking.' 'Hey, wait a minute, there's one guy holding out both puppets!'
politics comedy america beliefs wait left guy
You ever walk behind someone walking so slow slow you have to hold yourself back from stabbing them? '.. You better move it along, huh. My walker has wheels for a reason. You ever walk next to that stranger who wants to walk the same speed as you? '.. Get the fuck away from me.. What are we--on a date here? I don't even know you.' Sometimes I find myself being a weirdo.. You ever been walking next to some stranger and for no reason at all you decide that if you beat them to the corner, you'll be a millionaire? They're like, 'whatever'. HAHA! I get to press the walk button for you!.. You think those walk buttons do anything? I think some guy at the government was like, 'What can we give the morons to press? How bout a button?' You always press 'em, you're like, '.. Maybe I didn't press it hard enough..' Then someone will come up and be like, 'Did you press it?' --'Yeah, I pressed it.' They're like, 'Why don't you press it again?'--'You're like, 'Yeah I'll press it again.' Then at that point it changes and you're like, 'I did that. I changed the traffic in the city.. I have a lot of power.' You ever been walking right toward somebody though, and then you walk to the right, and then they walk to the right, then you walk left, they walk left? You know how there's like that awkward moment?.. Just lean forward and kiss 'em. '.. Looked like you wanted it from my angle.' Then when they're walking away just hit 'em on the ass. (Pshhh) 'You'll be back! You'll be back for some of that loving.''
funny humor comedy speed government power moment city walking reason loving date find press forward hard kiss walk beat left millionaire guy stranger awkward give traffic
I love the inpatience of New York.. You ever had somebody not-ask you for directions, but demand them? You're just innocently walking down the street, you hear a horn, all of a sudden some guy's like, 'HOLLAND TUNNEL!'.. You know like you were supposed to fax this guy directions. Suddenly, you're wasting HIS time. 'Let's go buddy! Holland tunnel!' '.. Uh.I-I was just going to the store.. I didn't realize it was my shift. Well, let's see.. The Holland Tunnel is in my ass.. Alright?
funny humor comedy time walking hear realize guy demand love
Whenever I date a guy, I think, Is this the man I want my children to spend their weekends with?
dating man children date guy
There is no democracy in physics. We can't say that some second-rate guy has as much right to opinion as Fermi
science democracy physics opinion scientists guy
Without discipline, no matter how good you are, you are nothing! One day, and I might not be around, you're going to meet a tough guy who takes your best shot. He'll keep coming because he's tough. Don't get discouraged. That's when the discipline comes in.
discipline good day matter guy shot
Off the field I like to go out, but not too much. I love to dress well, love Italian fashion. And I like to eat well. But in general I'm a simple guy. Cars are not my great passion, but I think it's important to have the best. To me, music is a must;
music passion fashion simple cars eat great important dress guy love doingyourbest
I want to be remembered as the guy who gave his all whenever he was on the field.
guy doingyourbest
An optimist is a guy that has never had much experience.
experience optimism guy
Fame comes with its own standard. A guy who twitches his lips is just another guy with a lip twitch - unless he's Humphrey Bogart.
fame lips guy
Homer: [drunk] Look, the thing about my family is there's five of us. Marge, Bart, Girl Bart, the one who doesn't talk, and the fat guy. How I loathe him.
family girl talk guy fat thing homer
The fan is the one who suffers. He cheers a guy to a.350 season then watches that player sign with another team. When you destroy fan loyalties, you destroy everything.
fanaticism team guy destroy sign
I have always dressed according to certain Basic Guy Fashion Rules, including: * Both of your socks should always be the same color,* Or they should at least both be fairly dark.
rules color fashion dark guy
Say good-bye to Pat, say good-bye to Jack and say good-bye to yourself, because you're a nice guy.
nice friends guy jack
I can't go on anymore bad dates. I would rather be home alone than out with some guy who sells socks on the internet.
home internet bad frustration guy
Some guy hit my fender and I said be fruitful and multiply but not in those words
funny words guy
I went down the street to the 24-hour grocery. When I got there, the guy was locking the front door. I said, Hey, the sign says you're open 24 hours. He said, Yes, but not in a row.
funny door open guy sign
I want to be a race car passenger: just a guy who bugs the driver. Say man, can I turn on the radio? You should slow down. Why do we gotta keep going in circles? Can I put my feet out the window? Man, you really like Tide..
car funny race circles man window radio guy racing
I remember when I first came out on the Tour. I was hitting practice balls and Sam Snead and Bob Goalby were next to me. Snead said, 'Who in the hell is this guy? He has a loud mouth and an unorthodox swing.' Goalby said, 'Don't worry Sam, he'll linger but he won't last'.
worry practice golf sam remember hell mouth linger guy
You have brains in your head. You have feet in your shoes. You can steer yourself in any direction you choose. You're on your own.<br/>And you know what you know. You are the guy who'll decide where to go.
graduation direction choose shoes head brains guy
I'm the enemy because I like to think. I like to read. I'm into freedom of speech and freedom of choice. I'm the kind of guy that could sit in a greasy spoon and wonder, gee, should I have the T-bone steak or the jumbo rack of barbecue ribs or the side order of gravy fries? I want high cholesterol. I would eat bacon and butter and buckets of cheese. Okay? I want to smoke Cuban cigars the size of Cincinnati in the nonsmoking section. I want to run through the streets naked with green Jell-O all over my body reading Playboy magazine. Why? Because I might suddenly feel the need to. Okay, pal?
reading health choice politics spoon order naked body kind speech feel enemy green eat cheese run read streets guy freedom side smoke
No self-respecting gay guy would have ever made some of the hair and clothing choices I am still trying to live down.
clothing choice self live choices self-respect gay hair homosexuality made guy
I love the word faggot, because it describes my kind of guy. You see, I am a fag hag. Fag hags are the backbone of the gay community. Without us, you're nothing! We have been there all through history guiding your sorry ass through the underground railroad!.. We went to the prom with you.
community funny humor history kind gay tolerance word homosexuality guy love prom
Between a fellow who is stupid and honest and one who is smart and crooked, I will take the first. I won't get much out of him, but with that other guy I can't keep what I've got.
smart honesty honest stupidity stupid guy
This is it, folks. This is the idea which has kept me virtually unknown for the past 16 years. I have watched my crowds dwindle. I am going nowhere, and nowhere quick, but, those of you who have children, I am sorry to tell you this, but they are not special. Wait! I know some of you are going what, what? Let me just clarify: I know YOU think they're special.. Ha ha ha! I'm aware of that. I'm just here to tell you, that they're NOT! Ha ha ha ha! Sorry. Did you know that every time a guy comes he comes two-hundred million sperm? One out of TWO-HUNDRED MILLION that load, we're only talking about one load connected: gee, what are the fucking odds? Do you know what that means? I've wiped nations off've my chest with a grey gymsock. ENTIRE CIVILISATIONS HAVE FLAKED AND CRUSTED IN THE HAIR AROUND MY NAVEL! [..] I've tossed universes in my underpants while napping. Boom! A Milkyway shoots into my jockeyshorts: Unngh.. What's for fucking breakfast!
funny nations idea time past children unknown talking special wait hair crowds breakfast guy humour aware
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