If you've made up your mind to impale someone, do it with conviction.
funny humor fantasy futuristic humour
It smells terrible in here.'Well, what do you expect? The human body, when confined, produces certain odors which we tend to forget in this age of deodorants and other perversions. Actually, I find the atmosphere of this room rather comforting. Schiller needed the scent of apples rotting in his desk in order to write. I, too, have my needs. You may remember that Mark Twain preferred to lie supinely in bed while composing those rather dated and boring efforts which contemporary scholars try to prove meaningful. Veneration of Mark Twain is one of the roots of our current intellectual stalemate.
funny humor writing humour
..I doubt very seriously whether anyone will hire me.'What do you mean, babe? You a fine boy with a good education.'Employers sense in me a denial of their values.' He rolled over onto his back. 'They fear me. I suspect that they can see that I am forced to function in a century I loathe. This was true even when I worked for the New Orleans Public Library.
funny humor work humour employment
I'm too young, too smart and too good-looking to die.
funny humor humour
I had the right to remain silent.. But I didn't have the ability.
rights funny humor ability self-knowledge humour
That craptastical, gutless, son-of-a-cactus-humping butt monkey!
I wasn't saying whatever they're saying I was saying. I'm sorry I said it really. I never meant it to be a lousy anti-religious thing. I apologize if that will make you happy. I still don't know quite what I've done. I've tried to tell you what I did do but if you want me to apologize, if that will make you happy, then OK, I'm sorry.
funny humor religion beatles jesus apology humour
I'm a poet, and I like my lies the way my mother used to make them.
So you're a Shadowhunter,' Nate said. 'De Quincey told me that you lot were monsters.''Was that before or after he tried to eat you?' Will inquired.
funny wit will-herondale humour clockwork-angel
To get back my youth I would do anything in the world, except take exercise, get up early, or be respectable.
funny humour
It is known that there are an infinite number of worlds, simply because there is an infinite amount of space for them to be in. However, not every one of them is inhabited. Therefore, there must be a finite number of inhabited worlds. Any finite number divided by infinity is as near to nothing as makes no odds, so the average population of all the planets in the Universe can be said to be zero. From this it follows that the population of the whole Universe is also zero, and that any people you may meet from time to time are merely the products of a deranged imagination.
When you're drowning you don't think, You just scream.
funny power-of-words humour
I'd rather be a rising ape than a falling angel.
funny inspirational humour
At first, I could lie about my lack of sleep and she'd fall for it, but she started suspecting insomnia when I began seeing purple elephants in the air vents at the office. I knew I shouldn't have asked her about them. I thought maybe she'd redecorated.
I always wanted to be a juvenile delinquent but my parents wouldn't let me.
Well I won't argue about the matter. You always want to argue about things. That is exactly what things were originally made for.
People soon get tired of things that aren't boring, but not of what is boring.
funny life humour
Highland werewolves had a reputation for doing atrocious and highly unwarranted *things*, like wearing smoking jackets to the dinner table.
Sorry. I just can't seem to help myself. My brain is freaking out. Two predawn mornings in a row. It doesn't know what to think, how to act. I'll have a talk with it later. Perhaps get it some counseling.
Actually,I am a failed anorexic. I have anorexic thinking, but I can't seem to muster the behavoir
Sometimes I feel better around you. I kind of like your face' -Nick
Marry, don't marry,' Auntie Aya says as we unfold layers of dough to make an apple strudel. Just don't have your babies unless it's.'How do I know if it's necessary?'She stops and stares ahead, her hands gloved in flour. 'Ask yourself, Do I want a baby or do I want to make a cake? The answer will come to you like bells ringing.' She flickers her fingers in the air by her ear. 'For me, almost always, the answer was.
funny food babies humour
I stopped believing in Santa Claus when I was six. Mother took me to see him in a department store and he asked for my autograph.
funny fame humour santa-claus
Jesus, Morelli, you sound like you have PMS. You have to learn to lighten up a little. It's just a car alarm. You should be thanking me. I had it installed with my own money.
I promise to pay you before you die - but you have to promise not to die.
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