I know the human being and fish can co-exist peacefully.
funny humor human fish dumb humour george-bush
Above all others I pity the homeless: where can they go to masturbate?
funny masturbation humour homelessness
I don't care how much you eat, Ender, self-cannibalism won't get you out of this school.
funny sci-fi humour
My sister has mistaken me for a mushroom. She keeps me in the dark and feeds me shit.
funny humour tyrion-lannister
And then, as if written by the hand of a bad novelist, an incredible thing happened.
funny luck humour
There's one thing you don't put in a trap, if you're smart, if you value your continued existance, if you have any plans about seeing tomorrow, there is one thing you never ever put in a trap. And what would that be sir?Me
funny doctor-who humour
Money's scarceTimes are hardHere's your fuckingXmas card
funny christmas humour
I have a very strict gun control policy: if there's a gun around, I want to be in control of it.
funny humour
If I owned Texas and Hell, I would rent out Texas and live in Hell
funny humor hell texas civil-war humour
Note for Americans and other aliens: Milton Keynes is a new city approximately halfway between London and Birmingham. It was built to be modern, efficient, healthy, and, all in all, a pleasant place to live. Many Britons find this amusing.
funny humor geography cities humour
Got to say, dying would really wreck my best day. Been there, done that, and now that I think about it, Artemis forgot to give me the t-shirt.
funny humor humour
InsomniaI cannot get to sleep tonight.I toss and turn and flop.I try to count some fluffy sheepwhile o'er a fence they hop.I try to think of pleasant dreamsof places really cool.I don't know why I cannot sleep -I slept just fine at school.
funny sleep school humour insomnia
Half my life is an act of revision.
funny life drama humour
My sword reappeared in my pocket. Yeah, great timing. Now i could attack the walls all i wanted. My cell had no bar, no window, not even a door
funny percy-jackson humour
Sighing dismally, she acknowledged that some things just weren't humanly possible - not even Martha Stewart could fold fitted sheets.
She's always getting into trouble because she gets bored really really easily. [..] says it's because Celia has an attention span the size of a sesame seed. Says it's because Celia's identity is unfurling itself slowly, like a tulip bud, and it's a breathtakingly beautiful thing to see.
funny humor humour attention-span
The only way I can describe the extent of my anxiety is to say that I felt as if I were pregnant with a rock.
funny simile humour
Never say never. Whoops - said it twice
He crouched at the car window and looked in. 'What a lovely family you have. What a charming family. They're all lovely. Except for that one.' His finger jabbed the glass. 'That one's a bit ugly.
Like the famous mad philosopher said, when you stare into the void, the void stares also; but if you cast into the void, you get a type conversion error. (Which just goes to show Nietzsche wasn't a C programmer.)
funny geek humour
I want a baby of my very own one day, but it seems that my being male is a BIIIIT of a problem.
funny comedy humour
I'm not afraid of dying. I'm afraid I'll never get a chance to live!
funny crime fantasy inspirational science-fiction thriller humour
It's hard to maintain a reputation for being grim and mysterious when you're accompanied by a brightly clad young thing, skipping merrily along at your side, holding your hand, and smiling sweetly on one and all.
funny irony humour
The witch's hair was too short and too dark for blond. She wasn't sure if that relieved her or disturbed her. Riley had immediately begun his interrogation, and it had gone something like this: Riley: Where is the meeting between your kind and Aden Stone supposed to take place?Witch: Go suck yourself. Riley: Maybe later. Meeting?Witch: Enjoy death. Riley: I have once already. Now, decide to talk or lose a body part. Witch: May I recommend a finger?Riley: Sure. After I take one of your very necessary hands.
I, being born a woman and distressedBy all the needs and notions of my kind, Am urged by your propinquity to findYour person fair, and feel a certain zestTo bear your body's weight upon my breast; So subtly is the fume of life designed, To clarify the pulse and cloud the mind, And leave me once again undone, possessed. Think not for this, however, the poor treasonOf my stout blood against my staggering brain,I shall remember you with love, or seasonMy scorn with pity, - let me make it plain: I find this frenzy insufficient reasonFor conversation when we meet again.
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