I've been trying to start a garage band for over a decade now, but father won't move his car.
Jarod Kintz
If loving someone is putting them in a straitjacket and kicking them down a flight of stairs, then yes, I have loved a few people.
funny humor people passion loving romance flight crazy absurd strange funny-and-random
I consider conversations with people to be mind exercises, but I don't want to pull a muscle, so I stretch a lot. That's why I'm constantly either rolling my eyes or yawning.
funny humor people mind relationships communication eyes sarcasm absurd conversations sarcastic
I want to write my own eulogy, and I want to write it in Latin. It seems only fitting to read a dead language at my funeral.
funny humor writing death language latin funny-quotes write humorous-quotations absurd dead ridiculous strange read funeral witty-quotes
He had a new girl, and I told him she looked like Marilyn Monroe. He smiled because he thought I meant she was beautiful, and I smiled because I meant she looked like a corpse.?
funny humor dating death beauty smile beautiful girl marilyn-monroe weird absurd strange corpse odd bizarre
I have good news and I have bad news. The good news is that your house hasn't burned down, you don't have cancer, and your daughter hasn't been raped or murdered. The bad news is that I ran over your dog. And your son. And his wife. But not before I ran out of gas to achieve all of that.
funny humor life death family murder tragedy crazy absurd ridiculous bad-news
What more proof do you need to illustrate how America is the land of the free than the fact that the US has the highest incarceration rate in the world?
absurd freedom
The best part about being kidnapped is being blindfolded and getting kicked into the trunk of a car. Boy, normally I have to beg my friends to treat me that well.
car funny friendship friends absurd
Blood may be thicker than water, but it's certainly not as thick as ketchup. Nor does it go as well with French fries.
funny humor food blood crazy absurd surreal silly bizarre
Love is the most amazing feeling in the world. Let me double check. Yep, love is a feeling.
funny humor feeling absurd
I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!
funny humor mirrors naked absurd lust
Leave the cage open. If you love someone, give them a chance to leave. You can always lock them up again should they return to you.
funny absurd
I know a woman loves me when she leaves me leftovers in the fridge from the date she went on the night before.?
funny humor absurd
Love is a tomato. And while it's true that I can live without a tomato, I could sure go for some ketchup.
I want to spend less time talking about myself, and more time listening to what other people have to say about me.
funny humor listening vain absurd selfish myself silly
funny humor music absurd
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