It's not what I'd want for at my funeral. When I die, I just want them to plant me somewhere warm. And then when the pretty women walk over my grave I would grab their ankles, like in that movie.
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I love fortune readings! Because when I get in troubles, if the reading says that I am in a lucky day, I can think my troubles are just some kind of mistakes, and if the reading says that I am in the unlucky day, I can think that my troubles are just because of my bad luck. Either ways, I can know the reason of my troubles.
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Democracy was supposed to champion freedom of speech, and yet the simple rules of table decorum could clamp down on the rights their forefathers had fought and died for.
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That´s the problem with planning a late night supper after the opera, not only does the hero or the heroine die singing, but you end up famished after the last notes of the finale.
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Discipline allows magic. To be a writer is to be the very best of assassins. You do not sit down and write every day to force the Muse to show up. You get into the habit of writing every day so that when she shows up, you have the maximum chance of catching her, bashing her on the head, and squeezing every last drop out of that bitch.
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One afternoon, when I was four years old, my father came home, and he found me in the living room in front of a roaring fire, which made him very angry. Because we didn't have a fireplace.
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One should never give up on hope. Unless that's the name of the girl who cheated on you in which case, yeah, give her up.
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Austin and I proceeded to knock back a couple of Ketel One and grapefruit juices, which happened to be my drink of the moment. Someone told me that grapefruit was a great detoxifier and I decided I wanted to start cleaning out my liver WHILE I was having a cocktail.
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I normally don't do requests. Unless, of course, I have been asked to do so.
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If you have the choice between humble and cocky, go with cocky. There's always time to be humble later, once you've been proven horrendously, irrevocably wrong.
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You know, you're rather amusingly wrong.
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People who didn't need people needed people around to know that they were the kind of people who didn't need people.
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He who laughs last.. Just didn't get the joke.
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Slap-stick comedy is really funny, unless you're the one getting slapped with the stick.
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While looking at a website for liposuction, I learned that it was a six-to eight-week recovery period, the clincher being that, during that time, I would under no circumstances be able to use street drugs. Obviously I had to think of a more realistic approach.
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(Referring to the piano's natural shape) Isn't it a shame when those big fat opera singers lean against the pianos and bend them?
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(Responding to a sneeze from the audience) Who exploded?
What goes up must come down. Which is why we invented Viagra, to make it stay up a little longer.
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She wore so much thick white makeup in order to conceal her naturally rosy complexion that if she turned around suddenly her face would probably end up on the back of her head.
All I wanted for Christmas was a New Years Eve party that I would never forget. Too bad I got too drunk to remember it.
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How am I going to explain to my kids one day that I can't buy them a happy meal because the toy will make them fat?
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I would strongly suggest that you fall in love, and I would use a lot of eye contact, soft words and light touching to give that advice.
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The Lord turned water into wine. All I'm suggesting is a trip to the grocery store.
Shamu and I have arrived safely in Costa Rica. He was stopped by airport security because he carries enough artillery in his pants pockets to construct a sawed-off shotgun. Evidently, he though we were headed to Iraq.
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I persuaded him to throw the dirk away; and it was as easy as persuading a child to give up some bright fresh new way of killing itself.
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