I need a Caution: Slippery When Wet sign, because I just spilled my ego all over the floor.?
Jarod Kintz
I lost a little weight over the weekend. I cut my fingernails.
funny humor
I just recently figured out how mirrors work. Pretty cool. That guy always hungrily staring at my naked body was me!
funny humor mirrors naked absurd lust
I saw him do a No More Potatoes Dance, after he saw me stuff the last of the mashed potatoes in my pocket.?
funny humor dance greed dancing
Every politician has a promising career. Unfortunately, most of them do not keep those promises.
funny politics promises politician
I have a real problem keeping friends. I'm always running out of space in my freezer.
funny friends
If I promise you I'll show up fifteen minutes late, I'll always arrive on time.
funny punctuality promise
I would have been a black belt in Karate much sooner, but the store was sold out of Sharpie markers.
funny cheating
They say you fear what you don't understand. Maybe that's why every time I'm in South Florida, and I hear someone talking in Spanish, I always shit my pants.
funny fear spanish talking understand hear
Just to show my dad that I think he's number one, I bought him a urinal cake for his birthday.
funny humor dad birthday
I smiled, and you winked. I think. Perhaps you merely blink with one eye at a time.
funny humor smile
I'm asexual, though occasionally I'm attracted to inanimate objects. Mainly tube-shaped objects.
funny attraction sex
funny humor ego need caution wet
I love having a ceiling fan, although sometimes I wish he wouldn't cheer so loud when I'm trying to sleep.
funny sleep humor
Last time I had sex I was so good I got a standing ovation. Well, actually, I just got the clap.
funny sex
Last year I built a Courage Machine, but I thought it might be noisy and was too afraid to turn it on. So I coated it with glue, covered it with cat hair, mounted it on my wall, and started claiming it was an exotic animal I killed on a Safari in Africa. I'd like to believe people believe me, on account of it being so strange that it has to be true.
funny humor courage africa true fear machine strange afraid
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