I am the dinosaur of love. Specifically, I am a pterodactyl, and you are my silent p. Stay quiet woman!
Jarod Kintz
I want my kids to have the things in life that I never had when I was growing up. Things like beards and chest hair.
funny humor life children random kids funny-quotes humorous-quotations absurd strange witty-quotes
When anybody asks me what time it is, I always say, Yesterday, plus 24 hours.
funny time yesterday
I want to get the huge wart that looks like a nose removed from my back, but first I'm going to try to grow a mustache underneath it, to make it less noticeable.
funny humor surreal nonsense strange nose mustache bizarre grotesque
Sex and violence: the greatest duo since the Three Stooges.
funny violence sex
I am the bathtub of love, but all Agatha ever wanted was a shower.
funny
I made a nap this afternoon. I made it out of two pillows, a bed, a sheet, a blanket, and exhaustion.
funny sleep exhaustion
I'm so excited. I just bought a new file cabinet, some manila folders, some sticky note pads, and a few highlighters, and I think I'm finally ready to enter into organized crime.
To me, beer tastes like piss. Maybe that's why I only enjoy it in the shower with my uncle.
funny strange odd beer gross
I found your love like I found religion: in an aluminum trashcan in the middle of the Utah desert.
funny religion
If we spoke with our ears, and listened through our mouth, then a kiss might be the most romantic sound in the world.
funny sound world romantic mouth kiss ears
I want to have breasts the size of Florida, so that people might see me at Ponte Vedra beach and gasp, Look at the size of his Naples!
funny breasts
I blew the love trumpet until my cheeks were blue. Then I paid 34 bucks for a taxicab ride home so I could admire my receding hairline in the mirror.
funny humor absurd surreal
I spend all my time trying to capture the moment. And when I do, I'll interrogate and torture it.
funny time moment torture
We had a blast at my magical birthday party. There were midgets, fairies, glass slippers, and I actually got to ride in a pumpkin.
funny birthday magical
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